Last week, I reviewed 4 movies in a drama movie roundup and mentioned that I would do an action movie roundup. With last weeks, I highlighted 4 movies that have received a lot of attention through trailers or academy award hype and while some of them were not as good as the others, they were all good (or at least fine movies). This week is massively different. Looking ahead, I am going to review three action movies. One of them is ok. One of them is bad. And the last one is honestly one of the worst movies I have seen in damn long time. Let’s find out which is which!
Underworld Blood Wars: Wow. I cannot believe that this franchise still exists and I’m more surprised I saw it. If you don’t know about this series, vampires fight against lycans and Kate Beckinsale plays a vampire hunter that is hated by both sides until it is convenient for them to need her. I’ll be honest, I cannot remember most of the plot and I’m feeling a bit too lazy to go look it up but it is not that important. The movie is trying to be something crazy and epic (i.e. Game of Thrones) but while trying to do that, it only ruins the experience. The saving grace for this film is that it is pretty enjoyable to watch with a friend. There are plenty of scenes that are just so dumb and ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh at them. Asides from that, this is a solid bad movie and not worth the time. Final Score: 1.8
xXx Return of Xander Cage: I am not going to lie. I love the xXx movies (I realize that sounds a lot weirder and dirtier than I wanted it to come out). Why? Because they are just silly action movies riddled with cool explosions, exciting music, and dialogue that is so silly that you can’t help but laugh at it and in those terms, Return of Xander Cage is a…well… a return to form. Now, don’t get me wrong. This is a bad movie. Well not Underworld bad but just a bad-dumb movie. With that being said, it is definitely worth a watch. Vin Diesel is just as fun to watch as he was in the original xXx (and the recent Fast and Furious movies) and new additions to the cast (including Donnie Yen and Ruby Rose) are just as exciting. This is best watched with friends but is still a fun ride on your own. Final Score: 5.4
Resident Evil The Final Chapter: This movie. Damn. This movie. Is. Just. Awful. I’ve been trying to think of a redeeming quality but there really isn’t. The story is the most nonsensical pile of trash that I’ve seen in a major AAA motion picture and does it’s absolute best to rewrite the entire plot of the previous 5 movies while also expecting you to remember those movies it is rewriting. It also feels the need to add a religious factor to the plot because that was the thing that the Resident Evil movies was missing. Religion. Additionally, this movie is the best example of how not to do an action movie. Every action scene is so schizophrenic and seizure inducing that there are some fights where I had no idea what the characters were fighting. Plus, the CGI is awful and every scene is so unnecessarily loud that I just wanted to break the speakers in the theater. The only “good” thing about this movie (and I say good with the biggest quotation marks that the English language would allow for) is that there are some scenes that are so bad, dumb, and ridiculously cringeworthy that I couldn’t help but laugh at it. Even when some of the characters died. I could keep going on, as I have much more to say about this load of crap, but I will save that for a future article I am working on. For now, this movie gets the lowest score I have given a movie. May this film be a beacon to show how not to make a movie. Paul W. S. Anderson. Please do us all a favor and never write, direct, or get near another film production for the rest of your pathetic career. Final Score: 1.2
Well after that, I don’t have much more to say. Hopefully I’ll get to review a better movie next week. Until next time I guess…