In terms of bad 90s movies, The Brendan Fraser Mummy movie is probably one of my favorites. It’s the perfect combination of cheesy, scary, and over-the-topness that made the movies of my early childhood perfect. But Universal couldn’t leave well enough alone. The just had to remake it with Tom Cruise because nothing screams a great movie like Tom Cruise (but in all seriousness the last two Mission Impossible films were off the charts). Anyway. The point being is that this movie isn’t bad or offensive. It’s just….bleh.

Story: I’ll just start off swinging. This story is unnecessarily muddled, but here’s the general gyst of it. Tom Cruise (and I’m saying Tom Cruise because I can’t remember his actual character’s name) is a renegade Army captain or something who’s gone AWOL…kinda…and is running through Iraq looking for treasure to sell on the black market. Well he ends up finding a hidden Egyptian tomb (yeah…Egyptians in Iraq…or I guess Mesopotamia if we’re being historically accurate….WHICH I AM!) and he ends up releasing an ancient Mummy (surprise surprise) who wants to bring the Egyptian god of death (who’s also Satan or something) into the world by killing her chosen one, Tom Cruise. But they actually end up capturing her…well not Tom Cruise….it’s actually his love interest (that’s not really in love with him until the script decides she should) and the organization that she’s with, which is run by Dr. Jeckyll. See what I mean. It’s just cluttered. It’s all over the map. It’s as if the writers didn’t want to “waste” any idea so they threw everything together and ended up ruining what little good they had.

Acting: As it’s been fully established, Tom Cruise is in this movie. He’s ok. His ‘hamness’ is a little too much at times but his ham inadvertently is keeping me from giving this category a 1. His counter, Annabell Wallis, is just lifeless, and Sofia Boutella, who plays the Mummy, is just boring. Additionally, Russell Crowe just feels wasted as Dr. Jeckyll and his creepy counterpart. You know the acting is bad when the movie leaves you pining for Brendan Fraser.

Presentation: The effects are actually pretty good. The explosions look good enough and the mummies actually look pretty good…..or wait are they zombies?…..mummies?….zombies?…..nah they’re mummies. The point is they look good. Not that good. God no. Just marginally better than above average.

Effect: As I said in the intro, this movie isn’t bad or even offensive. It’s just boring. It wants to be this giant full blown thing like the MCU movies are but it is leagues away from that. It’s like a drunk frat boy that wants to run a 100 meter dash and he starts out at a full spring and ends up falling on his face. I stress again. It’s not bad. It’s just disappointingly average.

Other: If you’re dying to see a crappy action movie, this will fill that void. Otherwise, I’d wait for the streaming device of your choice. This movie isn’t really worth the price of admission.

Maybe the next “Dark Universe” film will be better but this is a pathetic start. If you want to watch a Mummy movie, I’m sure Mr. Fraser would appreciate the views…as long as it isn’t that Chinese Mummy one.

Score: 4
Acting: 4
Presentation: 7
Effect: 5
Other: 4

Score: 4.8

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